I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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