Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
