theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
They have beer where we have blood.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
