Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
4 words: hood of his car
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
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