Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
