I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Randomize
