yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
