Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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