Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
I party with great urgency now.
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