Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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