I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Randomize
