Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
A bitchslap is in order.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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