He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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