I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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