A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
