mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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