Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
