Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
