I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Randomize
