enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
