so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
