They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
