Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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