Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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