I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
