I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
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