Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Randomize
