you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
