You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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