She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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