I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
