I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
