Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
