I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
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