1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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