U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
