Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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