i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
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