You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
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