He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
