i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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