Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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