nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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