Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
