I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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