Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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