The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
