the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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