Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
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