This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
He passed out mid-signature
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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