my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
