Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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